i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am puke
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
