I feel like abortions should bother me more
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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