i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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