man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
