i think my tv is drunk
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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