Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
