do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
