I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
