Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
