I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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