Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
