New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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