Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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