You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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