at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it's great music for shaving your balls
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
