Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
