I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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