Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
