Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
