I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
