I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
