I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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