Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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