youre lurking in front of me
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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