Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She's the barista slut.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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