She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
