Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
