i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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