I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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