How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
my liver is dry heaving
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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