I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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