this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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