I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
