I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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