There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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