my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
