i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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