i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
