Ketchup is God's man juice
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
