Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
