i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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