I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
