No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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