There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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