The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
