one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she woke up with a sticky ear
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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