Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
