he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Randomize
