whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
