all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
