Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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