I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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