god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
