Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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