so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
