dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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