tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
3 2 1 whiskey
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
