I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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