I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
